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 Post subject: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 6:35 pm 
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WARNING: What you about to read is me reading GoT, and posting commentary/jokes about. I have had no preperation, neither have I read GoT beforehand.


Daenery's pretty young, we try not to sexualize her.


Previously On Game of Thrones:
A lord, knight, and their lackey are in the woods doing I-forget-what, when they get attacked by robed foreign zombies, which apparently turn the others into robed foreign zombies. Meanwhile, a seven-year-old is giddy with anticipation to watch his first beheading. He's part of the House of Stark (Not related to Iron Man.) which involves too many characters to list. He finds some werewolf thing, and immediately bonds with it. Meanwhile, his mother, who is not worried in the slightest about her 7-year-old son witnessing an execution and adopting a hellbeast, learns of a friend's passing, which means another King is going to come visit them. And now for something completely different: Princess Dae-not going to try to spell it, is being set up against her will with a king, which immediately reminded me of the scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 6:36 pm 
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Haha :D



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 6:39 pm 
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early pick for thread of the year



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 6:45 pm 
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Awesome!!!! :lol:



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 6:54 pm 
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Chapter 4, Eddard


Lannister, Bannister? Was GRRM just looking at random c*ap in his house for inspiration?

And now the fat Bannister king is getting on my nerves, and is slightly creeping me out with his praise of the women in Highgarden.

Wait, a Mad King named Targaryen, same as Daenery! Was supposed to wed Ned's wife? And Dae's brother is the true king? HUZZAH! I know what's going on!

And Ned and Fat King Bannister both loved the same woman, and when she died, the funeral must have been a little bit awkward. And she's also sixteen, because why not?

He also says that his wife could get Other-fied for all he cares. What a nice guy!

Finally, he offers to make Ned his VP, and basically make him do all the work, while Bannister drinks himself to death, or is killed. Whichever comes first. Eddard is understandably not too keen on the idea.



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 8:50 pm 
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Chapter 5:
Jon


******* brother really has a ring to it, doesn't it? Maybe it's the alliteration. Meanwhile, the fourteen year old is getting drunk at a party for King Bannister.

Then the Bannister family is introduced, and I really hope I don't have to remember these names. Just to be safe: Cersei, Queen: Fake Smile
King Robert, Ass
Rickon, Normal 3-year-old
Robb, Dumb
Myrcella, Dumber
Arya, person?
Tommen, plump
Sansa, two years older then Tommen
Jofferey, Ass
Jaime, Seems like an OK guy.
Tyrion, Pissed off Midget
Benjen Stark, Ned's Brother
Theon Greyjoy, Ned's mentee, a la Jack Donaghy?

Meanwhile, Jon, still getting drunk, strikes up a conversation with Benjen, who seems nice enough. The name Targaryen comes up again. Then, remembering how depressing his life is, (and being drunk) he leaves. He meets Tyrion, who both seem to be the ******* of their respective families. He tells him to use his ******* to his advantage, and how sucky it is to be a midget. Okay...



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:13 pm 
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Chapter Six
Catelyn


Elsewhere, Catelyn and Ned are debating accepting the King's offer.

Ned obviously doesn't want to, and Catelyn is trying to convince him to accept the Handship.

They mention someone named Brandon who I've probably forgotten about. She brings up that he offered his son. "Gods, Catelyn, Sansa is only eleven, and Joffrey...Joffrey is..." I believe the words he's looking for are pretentious ass.

But suddenly, a servant interrupts saying that a box has been delivered for them. A severed head? No wait, a lens. Yay. WAIT! THERE'S MORE TOO IT! I would have never guessed that! It's a letter addressed to Catelyn saying that Jon Arryn was dun-dun-duh MURDERED! Was it Tyroin, in the forest, with the bruised ego? Or maybe King Bannister? Or What's-her-name's brother? No, it was the queen Cersei! Catelyn somehow turns this into a rousing speech to make Ned, Bannister's Hand. He decides to bring most of the kids along for various reasons. Maybe this can turn into some wacky road trip movie. Except with people dying. And Jon's joined some elite Soldier force that reminds me of the Air Conditioning Annex.

And with that, I bid thee adieu for now.



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:39 pm 
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Chapter 5:
Jon

Arya, person?

Just you wait!!!!!!!!!!



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:57 am 
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Chapter 5:
Jon

Arya, person?

Just you wait!!!!!!!!!!

*makes note on clipboard*



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:09 pm 
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Stop calling them Bannister you nub :duh:



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:19 pm 
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Chapter Seven
Arya


I guess when Tin Man said, "Just you wait!", he meant a chapter.

Arya, a Stark, is in Princess school, where little girls learn to sew, cook, and accept blatant sexism.

Her sister Sansa, is having a conversation about how ZOMG JOFFERY IS LIKE SOOO CUUTE!

Meanwhile the Headmaster notices her stitches, and instructs her to start over. Arya, distraught by that, runs out the room crying.

She also has a pet wolf, which no-one thinks is a bad idea.

She meets up with Jon, and watches the boys in Knight School. (Get it? I'm on fire here!) Joffery's still being an asshole, and goes back to her room.



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 1:15 pm 
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Chapter Eight
Bran


After that exciting and thrilling chapter, we go back to Bran.

He's goin' on huntin' party with...
Draco Malfo-I mean Joffery is going with his father, and so is Bram and Robb with their own. Also tagging along are Good Ole Uncle Benjen, Theon, A Knight, and some guy named Rory.

Oh, wait, he's been left behind. Instead of going back and editing the last paragraph, I'm just going to post this.

He reminisces about things, and wonders what life will be like as the son of the king's hand. It mentions A Dance of Dragons, which I'm pretty sure is the title of a later book. He also mentions a simple minded stable hand named Hodor, whom I'm now convinced is the secret hero of the series.

He does this while climbing on top of the castle. Apparently his mother is worried about him falling, but not about having a hell beast for a pet.

But while he's risking life and limb for no reason, he overhears a conversation. It's between Cersei, and the brother that's not a midget? They don't approve of the King's choice of Hands.
Cersei also pretty much admits to killing the non-Bastard Jon. And mention possibly killing Fat King Bannister in order to make Draco Malfoy the new king, who would be much easily manipulated. They then have ***. Game of Thrones in a nutshell.

He then almost falls off, but Prince Incest saves him, and then there's an ending like this:

"How old are you, boy?"

"Seven." Bran said shaking with relief?

The man looked over at the woman. "The things I do for love." he said with loathing. He gave Bran a shove.

*boom* LOST


Last edited by insertnamehere on Sun Sep 02, 2012 5:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 5:22 pm 
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"Hodor!! Hodor!!"



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 6:33 pm 
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Chapter Nine
Tyroin


So, Bram is still alive, but is hurting a la Edward Mars. He has also been stopping poor wittle Draco from getting his beauty sleep.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is at breakfast with Prince Incest, Cersei, and other Bannisters. He's happy to report that whatever-the-equivalent-of-a-doctor-in-Westros says Bram will survive. Cersei and Jaime are thrilled.

And then Tyroin starts rambling about w*o*e and pissing, making the rest of the Bannisters leave, bar Jaime.

Tyroin has figured out about Bram's attempted murder due to some magical Deduction skills. Jaime is semi-dismayed to learn about that.



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 12:38 am 
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This is awesome!

Now I won't have to read the books, they'd be a let down after this thread I'm sure.



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 2:45 pm 
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Every nerd bone in my body is aching with rage. :|



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:25 pm 
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I think INH has found his niche :nod:


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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 3:09 pm 
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Prince and Princess Incest :rofl:



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:35 pm 
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Every nerd bone in my body is aching with rage. :|

How exactly does one make their bones nerdy? Or were you born with them? How many do you have?



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 8:56 pm 
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Quick recap of two chapters I read in advance:

Jon is about to leave to do Night Watch stuff, but decides to give Arya a sword. Safety first, kids! He also tries to see Bram, but Catelyn refuses. Dany (Thank god for this nickname.) weds Drogo, and has the creepiest *** scene, considering Dany's FREAKING THIRTEEN!



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 Post subject: Re: INH Reads GoT
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 9:31 pm 
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Chapter Twelve
Eddard


Eddard and King Bannister decide to leave the hunting trip? Or is it the big, going to the Bannister castle trip? Regardless, King Robert is talking about leaving everyone else, traveling to the South alone, and having threeways. I can definitely see how Cersei would be pissed at him.

Talk soon turns to Jon's mother, who I'm going to predict is a transvestite. Named Lola. Who then had a medieval *** change, letting her delivered Ned's *******. Or a prostitute, which would be the unimaginative answer.

Apparently Ser Jorah (As in Jonah? Did he just change a letter?) is a spy, and has told the Bannisters about Dany's wedding. Bannister hates them for some reason, and would delight in killing them, But apparently dead Jon, who was also Robert's ex-hand convinced him otherwise when he had the opportunity. Is Robert in on Cersei's murder plot? The incest/Bram fall scene gives me doubt, but you never know.

Bannister is also deciding who to give the position of Warden, his top choice: Prince Incest. Something tells me that decision won't stand.

Apparently, when Jaime overtook the mad king, he sat on the throne for a few minutes! That's obviously's a deal-breaker. Meanwhile, does anyone else want to scream at this guy: 'HE'S SLEEPING WITH YOUR WIFE!'? No? Just me?



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